Trials.

A few weeks before Carters first birthday I found out I was pregnant. I, we, were ecstatic. I have always wanted my first 2 kids to be close in age. We did the math and Baby #2 and Carter were going to be 20 months apart, perfect. The baby was due in July, right after Skyler's college graduation, PERFECT!! Everything was just absolutely perfect. I was so excited and wanted to tell everyone but this time around Skyler wanted to wait. We went to California for thanksgiving and I kept my little bundle of joy a secret even though I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

The day we got back I started cramping...I knew it was weird because that never happened with Carter but after some research concluded that it was normal and I was probably fine. A few days later I noticed blood and knew that was not normal and started to worry. I tried to ignore it but it consumed my thoughts for 2 days so I decided I needed to go to my doctor. My doctor told me that many women spot during pregnancy so I should be fine but he would run a routine ultrasound just to check. I was very relieved and couldn't wait to see my little baby. I called up Skyler and he came in to share the joy. The doctor performed a normal ultrasound and found nothing. I started to worry but the doctor told me that it's just early and needed to do an internal ultrasound. The doctor started the second ultrasound and I was staring at the screen. I wanted to see my little baby moving and its little heart beating more than anything in the world. After what seemed like forever the doctor broke the news to me that my baby was no longer viable. My heart broke, I have never felt anything like it in my life. I felt like I would never get over this. I felt mad. I felt sad. I felt frustrated, i never got to find out if i was having a boy or girl. I have always felt like being a mom is what I am supposed to do. I love it, I love everything about it. I have never been happier having a loving husband and an adorable, completely perfect in my eyes son. Why would heavenly father give me a baby and then take it away before I even got to hold it? I cried and cried, for days and days. People told me I could just have another but I didn't even want to think about another. I wanted the one I had just lost. I wanted THAT baby and nothing could replace it.

As the days have gone by I have been getting better. Skyler and Carter bring me so much joy and I am so blessed to have both of them. I need to be grateful for what I have. I KNOW heavenly father will bless me with more kids, I KNOW I am supposed to be a mom. I feel it with everything in me. I will never forget my baby that I lost but I know my heart will heal in time. Miscarriage is the hardest thing I have EVER been through but I know I can do it. Heavenly father would never give me more than I could handle. I know that if me and my little family have faith we will get through this and anything else life will throw at us.
I am not usually one who likes to talk openly about my problems but I felt the urge to write about this. I hope my story will comfort someone who maybe is or will go through a similar situation comforting.